thoughts.

I've been writing and read a lot lately, which is nice. I feel so relaxed; it's so wonderful to have free time. I started this project that's pretty heavy on the psychedelics, which makes me nervous only because I don't want it to seem like a self indulgent piece on the wonders of tripping. I want it to have more substance than "drugs are fun!" I mean, I do think that psychedelics are extremely substantive, but my point is that it's hackneyed to just illustrate that yeah, tripping with the right mindset can be enlightening; there has to be more. But I do have a storyline in mind, and my boyfriend has been helping me out with it because he is extremely well-versed in the sciences, so I discuss things with him so that I don't look like I fool in my writing... ^^''

I love science and math, but only conceptually. I just find it hard to understand things on a deeper level, perhaps because my experience with science/math classes in middle school and high school was absolutely abysmal. I was failing math while buying books about the number zero and reading Stephen Hawking, so like... Yeah. I don't know. I had the interest but didn't work hard enough. I was also a slacker and didn't give myself enough credit.

Then again, I had a chemistry tutor in 11th grade, only to pass the test with a 70, which was pretty amazing considering my nominal understanding of chemistry. At the same time, I was going through some pretty heavy shit in 11th grade so... who's to say? Maybe I DO have an untapped aptitude in science and math that just requires more discipline than other people, who it comes easily to. Maybe it really is just self-discipline that I'm lacking.

I'm extremely grateful that I have a profound aptitude for the arts, but sometimes... I don't know... it would be nice to be a mathematical wizard, ya know? I love watching shows about space and astronomy and quantum physics and all that mind-boggling stuff, but it bothers me that I have to grapple so hard to understand some of the more intricate concepts, that require more than just a rational mind to understand.

Anyway. That's all, I guess. For now.